rewinding forward.

"If you don't hurry up and let life know what you want, life will damned soon show you what you'll get."
-Robertson Davies

The thoughts of my mind have been simmering all week. I've been trying to pin down this feeling i have inside and make him explain himself. I'm afraid as to how my words will fall into your ears. This is simply my perspective on a particularly irritable subject. Tonight, my attempt to wrestle this vandal to the ground begins. Feel free to lend me a hand, and help me bring this criminal to justice, but for now, would you like to hear a story about a monkey?

In Africa, there is a unique monkey hunting style. Simple yes, but incredibly effective. In a trap, a hunter places some ripe fruit. The monkey irresistibly drawn to the ripened fruit, grabs the goods, tries to get away with his plundered booty, and in so doing, sets off the trap. Because of this traps unique design, only the monkey's arm and hand are in peril. He has only a small hole in which his arm is caught, but for some reason, he is completely helpless. His hand has gotten a little larger, and this monkey could easily free himself, if he would just let go of the fruit.

He will do no such thing. He is determined to free himself and enjoy his newly acquired entree. Time is not on his side, soon the hunter returns, and lops the poor monkey's arm off, because he will not let go of his fruit. The end.

A little odd start yes, but so eye opening to me. This monkey is ready to die, for the meager feast in his tiny hands. Focused on the present, and not what's to come.

All he needs to do is let go.

We all have been stuck in this trap. Holding onto the fruit of our past. Clinging, desperately trying to salvage broken words and remember sunny days. People. Memories. Feelings. What are you holding onto? For me, it's the people i cared about. The people i told my secrets. Secrets my soul vowed it would never whisper to anyone, ever. The feelings i felt while wrapped up in some one's thoughts. The good times, the bad times. The smell of their skin. The taste of their kiss.

Then, it all goes away. Your everything is replaced with nothing. All you have left are your memories, and another piece of your precious heart, is gone. Now it begins...

The sleepless nights laying in bed, wondering about everything that's happened. The un answered questions, the loneliness, the cold. The pain of tears, and the faded memories. How could they throw this all away? Did it ever mean anything? Did i waste all my time?

Can you relate?

"Take a second out to think about this: in your life, you search and search for the right person for you. Every time you break up with someone you get one step closer to that person. You should look at moving on, as one step closer to meeting the one."

-Ian Philpot

It is easy for me to question everything. To wonder why i wasted all my time and effort for someone who never cared, or treated me right. Everything i ever said, i resent and wish i could take back. All the late nights, all the silly fights, all the presents, favors, kisses, laughter... meaningless. I go from used and hurt, to angry and selfish, to shocked and confused. So what do I do? How can I possibly go on without you?

I, "get over you."

I move on. I take back things I said, in an attempt to get even. Nothing mattered, the promises, the talks, the feelings, nothing. Everything, and anything, I take back, to prove that I was never fooled. I never cared about you either, jokes on you sucker. I try and get back in the game immediately, to try and hide my true feelings. Except there is one tiny, inseey weensy, little, fine print detail.

I'm lying.

Beneath all the charades and fancy lights, I'm broken. I have fallen apart without you and are wishing with every ounce of strength, that things could go back to the way they were, and I will wake up from this bad dream. Or I wish that I could just "get over you," and move on.

This is what I'm trying to write about tonight. Moving on.

To me this is a very picked on phrase. It's a one way street, do not pass go, do not collect $200, case closed phrase. I've moved on, or, i think it's time we both moved on, to coin a few phrases. Moving on is important yes, "getting over" someone, is essential in getting yourself back on a healthy track, but how does someone move on? Herein, lies one of my greatest challenges.

My attachment level grows exponentially with time. I fall quick, and I fall hard. My love is a brush fire, it starts in a flash, burns hot, and just as quick as it's started, it's out in an instant. Even with this knowledge, i struggle with moving on.

To me, this phrase is not accurate. So I'd like to introduce a new one, Moving Forward.

I'm done "getting over" someone. Done trying to forget the words i said, or the places we've been, because i never want to get over them...any of them. I want to remember every breath i took with them. Every kiss, every giggle, every touch. Why would i want to get over that? Why forget something so wonderful and special, but who said anything about forget?

Moving forward, is not forgetting.

The past can be painful yes, and truth's dagger, is one of the sharpest in this life. It's wounds are slow to heal, and some of the deepest we receive. Some memories are too hard to walk away from, too painful to conquer. Our past is what holds us back. We are holding on so tightly to it, that we will never get out of our trap. All we need to do is let go of it, but NEVER FORGET it. Remember the lessons you've learned, and the things you wish you had done. LEARN. Sometimes this means letting go of those we loved, remembering them, but not letting them hold us back from MOVING FORWARD.

Why forget? These people came into your life for a reason. They are here to teach you, love you, shape you. Sadly sometimes, the feelings are only one way, thus making things so hard. You can hold onto someone as long as you'd like to, but just because you're holding onto someone, it doesn't mean they are holding onto you.

"If you can't fly, run. If you can't run, walk. If you can't walk, crawl, but by all means, keep moving."

-Dr. Martin Luther King, Jr.

I'm learning to walk forward, and remember my past without getting stuck in it. I'm learning to recognize the lessons I've been taught by those who are moving forward. I'm not holding onto anyone from my past, but I'm remembering them without losing myself over them.

I'm so over getting over someone.