buckets of affection.

i'm a distracted guy.

VERY. distracted. 

i have the attention span of a 2 year old in Toys-r-Us.

it has come to my attention that i have an emotional disconnect. 

a what?

that's right kittens, an emotional disconnect. 

i will listen to your problems until the sun peeks over the horizon. 

but how long will you listen to mine?

you won't.

why?

cause that is not my style. 

i stopped telling people HOW i feel, but WHY i feel.

i pray that makes sense. 

if not, there is no use in you reading further. go make some chex mix or something.

if so...continue. 

some families are very affectionate. 

they kiss goodbye.

kiss goodnight. 

kiss hello.

kiss kiss kiss kiss kiss. 

hugs are thrown around like drunken lovers.

back rubs and hand holds are all the rage.

and the, i love yous, hover in a room like a cheap perfume.

others are just huggers. 

they hug hello and hug goodbye.

exchange small talk and sports scores. 

weather patters and stock points.

i love you is said on anniversaries and birthday cards. 

then there are the hand shakers. 

they shake hands. 

no hugs. 

no i love yous.

kisses will get you punched,

and the highest affection level is taking out the trash, and a new tube of toothpaste. 

i fall somewhere between the last two.

shocked? 

my father's father didn't say i love you.

mine seldom does. 

i tell him every time we talk. 

"Love you dad!"

"K, bye."

...skunked again.

i keep saying it hoping that maybe i'll get one back just out of pure reflex. 

i'm not hurt or offended by this. 

that's just the way things went for him growing up. 

however, do i think this has an impact on me?

a very big yes, and a medium sized no. 

i struggle with affection, because it was rarely given.

sure grandma kisses me on the cheek, but only after a bone saw to the sternum, and a secure headlock.

when i am touched i recoil. 

not out of disgust or because i'm a germaphobe. 

but because it is new and unusual to me. 

when somebody is being sweet to me, my mind thinks they are trying to butter me up for something. 

not just because they love me. 

it's even worse, when you care for someone, and the feelings still seem unnatural.

I've often forced myself to at least try and be affectionate, 

usually failing miserably, or giving someone a black eye.

hey i'm trying to affection you. gimme a break. 

now i'm in no way saying i was poorly raised.

oh cont rare. 

i have the most wonderful parents a kid could ask for. 

they've taught me some of the most important life lessons thus far. 

and they BOTH, came from a family with a father who wasn't big on the "L" word.

as i'm sure their fathers did too. 

and so on and so on. 

this is as difficult to explain as it is to overcome. 

a simple back scratch is received with a worried scowl from most of my family.

"What in heavens name are you doing?"

NOW let me make one thing clear. 

i believe there is a difference in affection, and sexual attention. 

if a girl slides her hand up your thigh, probably sexual.

if she puts her hand on your shoulder, affection.

if she whispers something dirty in your ear, sometimes awkward, but mainly sexual.

if she gives you a high 5, probably not ready to start losing layers. 

if she starts to nibble on your ear, she is either a hungry cannibal, 

or she's ready to skip dinner and hit the sheets.

but what do i know?

maybe a high five means much, much more.

this might sound SO strange to some of you, but i assure you it's a very real thing. 

it's an incredibly interesting family dynamic as well. 

i know it's something i can work on, and trust me i've been trying.

with my luck i'll probably marry a masseuse.

so if i act strangely when you place your hand on my knee. 

or start to sweat uncontrollably.

im not having an allergic reaction,

im having an affection attack.  

radio antennas.

isn't it unfair.


how you can live a decent, honest life,
and nothing seems to go your way.


the "bad" people fall into success,
find riches and power by mere happenstance.

you work hard everyday and barely make ends meet.
desperately trying to get your own life started,
when suddenly you're caught up in something,
which means giving up everything.

isn't it amazing.

how quickly things can change.
how things can go from a walk in a daydream,
to a collision course with regret.

how the face of someone you used to know,
can turn into someone you wouldn't even recognize.
finding truths in the voices of secret books.
uncovering the lies in the water lilies.

how the choices of your own life can be drastically changed by those of others.
a course of learning and progression, bowing down to the needs of others.
putting someone else before yourself.
forgetting yourself for awhile.

isn't it funny. 

that the people we hold most dear, are the ones we hurt the most.
that the walls will keep their secrets as you tip toe down the hall.

that living your secrets effect the rest of us.
no vaccine for your disease.
no antidote for the poison on your breath.

that sometimes the hardest things in the world,
can lead to times better than ever before.
they change like the seasons.
they change no matter how much we resist.

isn't it ironic. 

that the things that make us happiest can turn on us in the end.
biting the hand that feeds.
burning the bridge that leads you home.

feeling bad just because you got caught.
being upset because someone is better off without you.
that someone can be okay without you.
that happiness, means no more you.

that when it rains, it pours.
misery loves company.
karma is a bitch.

isn't it wonderful.

how lucky you are, even when all seems lost.
how much you have, when left with nothing.
that there is an ALWAYS in everything.

turning a corner may bring new opportunities never imagined.
when the lord closes a door, he opens a window.
that you will always win until you give up.

that someone knows how you feel.
things could always be worse.
that this will make you stronger,
no matter how much you'd rather things be easy.

now is never the time to fret about things in motion that cannot be stopped.
now is never the time to desperately search for a way out of the dark.
now is never the time to think about how horrible life can be.

now is the time to be grateful for the reflection in your mirror.
now is the time to embrace change and defeat it.
now is the time to become who you've always wanted to be.

a self excavation is in order.
dig.
find yourself.

isn't life a gift?


something bigger than you is happening.
something wonderful has been given to you.
never give up when life has you cornered.

"God places the heaviest burdens, on those who can carry it's weight."
-Reggie White

take a walk in someone else's shoes, before you write them off forever.
grasp the good in them and never let it go.
you're not spotless, and neither is he.
hate the sin.
not the sinner.
life, is to short to hold grudges.

isn't life somethin?

concrete daydreams.

i love my life.

i credit my unshakable faith of hope. 

a hope in tomorrow and hard work.

hard work and perseverance.

penny by penny.

day by day.

it's absolutely shameful how money can make life easier.

some don't know a hard days work.

maybe they never will.

i both pity, and envy them.

to have abundance at my fingertips seems a simple enough solution.

on the other hand, life experience is incalculable. 

the silver in my pocket never goes very far, but i'm one of the lucky ones.

i have a roof over my head, and shoes on my feet.

these feet have taken me to a crossroads.

one road is a familiar path, the restaurant business. 

the other is new, and uncertain, photography.

i'm ready to gamble on this new route.

of which if things go well, could prove extremely fruitful and prosperous.

i'm trekking into an extremely competitive field.

the world is full of those with fancy equipment and technical know how.

I've found that though many may have the tools, they lack the creative mind.

this, ladies and gentlemen, is wherein my gamble lies.

so i have to mind to not only outsmart, but outperform these others?

do i have the eye to catch new angles, see new ideas, and pioneer a style my very own?

can i beat them at a game they've been playing much longer than me?

i've been counting every dime and nickel i can find.

desperately trying to put myself in a better position to support myself and those i love.

harder still, is finding the confidence who is constantly flirting with arrogance and telling the lovers apart.

i can be better.

i will be better.

i am better.

i'm petrified that failure has already signed my contract.

i tremble knowing that i may throw effort after foolishness and end up in a deeper hole than the one i stand in now.

but i won't stop.

i am determined to master this gift and shape it into something different and beautiful.

keep my struggle inside of you, and root for me.

i need all the help i can get.

watch the birdie.

-christopher michael