VERY. distracted.
i have the attention span of a 2 year old in Toys-r-Us.
it has come to my attention that i have an emotional disconnect.
a what?
that's right kittens, an emotional disconnect.
i will listen to your problems until the sun peeks over the horizon.
but how long will you listen to mine?
you won't.
why?
cause that is not my style.
i stopped telling people HOW i feel, but WHY i feel.
i pray that makes sense.
if not, there is no use in you reading further. go make some chex mix or something.
if so...continue.
some families are very affectionate.
they kiss goodbye.
kiss goodnight.
kiss hello.
kiss kiss kiss kiss kiss.
hugs are thrown around like drunken lovers.
back rubs and hand holds are all the rage.
and the, i love yous, hover in a room like a cheap perfume.
others are just huggers.
they hug hello and hug goodbye.
exchange small talk and sports scores.
weather patters and stock points.
i love you is said on anniversaries and birthday cards.
then there are the hand shakers.
they shake hands.
no hugs.
no i love yous.
kisses will get you punched,
and the highest affection level is taking out the trash, and a new tube of toothpaste.
i fall somewhere between the last two.
shocked?
my father's father didn't say i love you.
mine seldom does.
i tell him every time we talk.
"Love you dad!"
"K, bye."
...skunked again.
i keep saying it hoping that maybe i'll get one back just out of pure reflex.
i'm not hurt or offended by this.
that's just the way things went for him growing up.
however, do i think this has an impact on me?
a very big yes, and a medium sized no.
i struggle with affection, because it was rarely given.
sure grandma kisses me on the cheek, but only after a bone saw to the sternum, and a secure headlock.
when i am touched i recoil.
not out of disgust or because i'm a germaphobe.
but because it is new and unusual to me.
when somebody is being sweet to me, my mind thinks they are trying to butter me up for something.
not just because they love me.
it's even worse, when you care for someone, and the feelings still seem unnatural.
I've often forced myself to at least try and be affectionate,
usually failing miserably, or giving someone a black eye.
hey i'm trying to affection you. gimme a break.
now i'm in no way saying i was poorly raised.
oh cont rare.
i have the most wonderful parents a kid could ask for.
they've taught me some of the most important life lessons thus far.
and they BOTH, came from a family with a father who wasn't big on the "L" word.
as i'm sure their fathers did too.
and so on and so on.
this is as difficult to explain as it is to overcome.
a simple back scratch is received with a worried scowl from most of my family.
"What in heavens name are you doing?"
NOW let me make one thing clear.
i believe there is a difference in affection, and sexual attention.
if a girl slides her hand up your thigh, probably sexual.
if she puts her hand on your shoulder, affection.
if she whispers something dirty in your ear, sometimes awkward, but mainly sexual.
if she gives you a high 5, probably not ready to start losing layers.
if she starts to nibble on your ear, she is either a hungry cannibal,
or she's ready to skip dinner and hit the sheets.
but what do i know?
maybe a high five means much, much more.
this might sound SO strange to some of you, but i assure you it's a very real thing.
it's an incredibly interesting family dynamic as well.
i know it's something i can work on, and trust me i've been trying.
with my luck i'll probably marry a masseuse.
so if i act strangely when you place your hand on my knee.
or start to sweat uncontrollably.
im not having an allergic reaction,
im having an affection attack.
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