liquid perspective.

Sometimes i look back at the things my mind writes. i look back and wonder why i was feeling this way on that certain day, and what good my words would do me.


how can typing little letters, and putting them together make beautiful, striking words? some of you weave patterns with words i have only dreamt of and envied.

this in no way, is a plea for sympathy, or an R.S.V.P. to my pity party, merely an explanation, a free tour of my mind's memories. this blog goes out to someone new, and unusual. tonight i do not write for me. i write because i never know who might need to hear a certain word, or feel a little lighter. it could be the clutter in my mind on paper. so pay attention and watch your step, you never know what words you may stumble over. I'm not giving advice, just an approach my heart makes.
"God places the heaviest burdens on those who can carry it's weight."

-Reggie White
this quote, was given to me by my beautiful, dear old friend, Miss M. It has stuck with me ever since.

i used to view life as a constant struggle. nothing ever good was placed before me, why am i so picked on? when do i get my break?

i coined these phrases because of one word. a word which rocks me to my very core, and with it comes one of my biggest and darkest fears.

Divorce.

my mother has been divorced, and my father has been divorced. Let's just say i've been through more than one.

One was enough for me i assure you. these experiences left a deep black smudge on my heart. My trust was gone, my hope had dissolved, and my dreams of one day finding someone for me and only me, were forever tainted. everything i had seen in movies, and read about in fairy tales, came splashing down right before my eyes.

the seed of doubt had been planted after divorce number 2. i was at an age where i knew somewhat the circumstances surrounding this awful word, but not quite old enough to grasp it's slippery meaning. Three was none better, and 4 seemed easy.

Now here i am. Twenty three years old, and number 5 happened only a few weeks ago.

Several nights ago, mom had fallen asleep on the couch, and Trace, my younger brother, needed to be put to bed. After several books, i picked up his fragile little body, and placed him in bed. He looked up at me and began to cry.

"What's wrong buddy?" I asked. With tears in his eyes, clutching his blanket tightly, he looked at me and sobbed, "I've lost my daddy."

i felt as though i had gone through a wormhole in some science fiction movie, and had somehow traveled through twenty years of my past, found myself, and was looking into my own eyes.

with those tiny words, my heart slid down into my slippers, and my breath was stolen away.

What could i possibly say? How could i make him understand? I wanted to so badly make him see that he had not lost his daddy, he just wasn't around tonight.

I had been there, twenty years ago, alone with no daddy. With tears in my eyes, i picked him up, and crawled into bed with him. A few minutes later, with his head on my chest, blanket in hand, we were both asleep.

this lesson will stay in my heart forever, one of the most profound and deeply moving realizations i have yet experienced, and out of the mouth of my three year old baby brother.

i now know that divorce can be a blessing in disguise, and it has taken years to learn it.
I was able to grow close to my wonderful grandparents, who took us in, and sheltered us when we had nowhere else to go.
It lead me to Utah, where i have met eight of the most amazing boys, in my opinion, on this earth.
It brought my younger brother Josh into my life, and what a blessing he is.
It gave me memories i wouldn't trade for anything on this earth.

The reasons may be few, but they are of eternal importance.

My mother and father were once having an argument, mom carelessly threw out, "why did we ever get married?" To which my father replied, "To have two beautiful, and amazing children."

Life is a matter of Perspective.

I no longer blame my parents for my miserable life. I attracted the misery i held in my heart. we only hold ourselves back from getting everything we've ever wanted. Blaming the world is easier and convenient. Why blame myself? My life's been hard enough as it is.
"The trick is in what one emphasizes. We either make ourselves miserable, or we make ourselves happy. The amount of work is the same."

-Carlos Castaneda
I've been so blessed in this life. i have so many wonderful memories and gifts that the lord has so graciously given me. I've been blessed with an amazing family, the best friends a guy could ask for, and talents others only wish they had. Through the hard times you lose sight of what you've been given, and what's important, this is what being human is all about.

It is so hard to find the silver lining in a rain cloud, when all you need is sunshine. This is one of life's great challenges. Finding the good in this world, when it sometimes seems there isn't much left. Good is all around us, we just need to dig deeper than ourselves and find it. Easier said than done, sometimes our history rears it's ugly head and complicates everything.

Each past and situation is unique. Nobody ever knows how you feel, they don't know what you're going through. They may think they do, but in reality they have no idea. They couldn't be more wrong. When the last thing you want is advice, the world bombards you with it. Sometimes all we need is a good pair of ears, a closed set of lips, and sympathetic eyes to make us feel better.
" There are as many nights as days, and the one is just as long as the other in the year's course. Even a happy life cannot be without a measure of sadness, and the word 'happy' would lose it's meaning if it were not balanced by sadness."

-Carl Jung
I chose to take something thought to many as, less than pleasant, and turned it into the backbone of my character. I feared i could not outrun my parents past, and so i resigned myself to a similar fate. Now i understand why it was placed in my life, and the countless lessons i have learned from them. I make my own choices, and live my own life. Through my wonderful parents i have learned what to do, and what not to do. I in no way think they failed. If anything they taught me some of my greatest lessons.

If you, like me, have had the opportunity to experience divorce in your life, i have no idea how you feel or what you're going through...but i can most certainly relate.

Good luck out there.

Christopher Michael