R.I.P

To my few adored followers,

I have some good news and some bad news. The good news is, I'm still here and haven't forgotten any of you. The bad news? Well, i seem to have been bitten by the writers block bug. He found me, and bit me hard. I have a couple silly drafts written, but none of them are making the sense my thoughts do. Some of you are happy about this delightful coincidence. Me personally? I'm extremely frustrated and utterly baffled by this new void in my mind.

HELP.

Christopher Michael

perfectly opinionated.

"Have no fear of perfection - you'll never reach it."
~Salvador Dali


Well folks, there you have it. The truth, in it's raw, wicked, marvelous form. To the perfectionist, this is quite a grim quote. A slap in the face. I wanted to write about something a little different this week. Something that I've been called before, and frankly, something that really irritates me.


Perfect.

Shocked? Me too. I've been called, funny, handsome, manipulative, awkward, weird, flippant, lousy, and confusing...to name a few. Now maybe it's just me, but you can't just throw perfect in there and have things work out. Perfect is a big deal, and only one gentleman, that i know of, truly deserves and honors this word.

So this week i have been thinking about perfect and what it means to me, and how grossly overused it is in our daily conversations. I've reached a conclusion, as i often do, about this word and how to shed a new light on it's meaning.

At first, i thought that there is no such thing as perfect. It is a state in which only one fantasizes of reaching. Totally out of reach, and utterly ridiculous, isn't it? As the words in my mind mixed and mingled, my thoughts began to change. They took on new shapes and colors, and what i came to realize is that perfect isn't perfect at all.

Perfection, or perfectness, is nothing more than an opinion.

A one sided, bias vote of one's self. Some of you at this point are thinking to yourselves, "duh Christopher, way to FINALLY catch on." Be that as it may, i'd like to shed some liquid perspective on your current opinion. Do you mind? Very well, let's begin.

A perfect score.

Who decided what a perfect score was? A group of people who take handfuls of approaches, to judge certain characteristics of a situation...let's say...oh...diving. Several judges submit their scores after a completion of a dive. They judge rotation, revolution, angle of entry, body position, the height of the dive etc...etc. Now, someone at some point in time, decided how to correctly judge the dive, and what a perfect dive, SHOULD look like. It's sounds to me that perfect is merely in the point of view.


Christopher's Perfect # 1

A tall glass of cold water, Miso soup to start, followed by tempura veggies. Then, the crowning jewel of my meal, a Fujisan sushi roll, all of which accompanied by good conversation and laughter. The perfect meal, from Happy Sumo.

The fish hater, would most certainly not call this perfect, and the vegetarian would cringe at the very thought.


Christopher's Perfect # 2

A sandy shore, blazing sun, a good looking, funny, intelligent woman, and the oceans steady breath.


To a fair skinned, easily burned individual, this is absurd, and he would proceed to go take a cold shower. For those who are partial to land, and find the ocean tiresome and gray, Europe would be a much better choice.

You've heard beauty is in the eye of the beholder? Throw beauty out, and pencil perfect in there. Works just as well yes?


"The most valuable thing you can make, is a mistake. You can't learn anything from being perfect."
-Adam Osborne


Our history, shapes our perfects. We learn what we like, what we don't like, and some things we wish we never knew. Think about it for a second. If you had lived the "perfect" life, would you be as smart, or as strong as you are now? Or, has this life already been perfect for you. Custom cut, and custom tailored to you. Do you think the mistakes you have made, or the hard times you have experienced are merely the world picking on you? Or, are they lesson after lesson, strategically placed in front of you to fortify yourself for things to come? Coincidence?

There are no accident's, only opportunities.


Christopher's Perfect # 3

My old Levi jeans, a brilliantly white v-neck, and a pair of silver aviators.


The perfect Man.


Ladies, does he exist? Is he out there?

How bout an example?

Victoria(adore this name), wants a man who is funny, and this is a must. Has a full head of dark chocolate hair, and mysterious eyes. Smart and motivated. Adores his mother, and music. Drives a nice car, and plays the guitar. Can't stand country music, or mustard. Is good with kids, and enjoys traveling. Will drop everything on his plate instantly to cater to her needs, and gives her a foot massage weekly. Is currently in medical school, and looking forward to being a plastic surgeon. Dresses extremely sharp, and has a chiseled 6 pack.

Perfect, no? Well not to me, because firstly, I'm a dude, and don't swing that way, however, he does sound rather charming.

Ladies, is this your perfect man? Is this the ideal image of what you want in a partner? Is he everything you always dreamed of? No, he isn't. This is Victoria's perfect. Sure you may agree with a few things, but a handful of traits, you certainly could do without, and some of those qualities you would have permanently erased. Don't you see? The world has painted the standard picture of what perfect should look like.

Picture Perfect.

Perfect is a white picket fence, a 7 figure income, a busty brunette, and a black Land Rover in the garage. A 3 story custom tudor , with a big backyard, spacious pool, and hot tub nestled in the corner. In reality, this is Ned's 37 year old perfect, and Ned runs the counter at the local drug store.

What drives society and progress, is individual views of perfect. What it should look like, and how it should feel. Who it should apply to, and why. Is this wrong?...absolutely not.

My perfect will not always be the same as your perfect, in fact, it might never be, and that's OK. HOLD ONTO YOUR PERFECT. Keep it just as it is, locked tight, and safe. Just remember that your perfect will not materialize out of thin air and become more than just a fairy tale. Perfect is a constant pursuit, a non stop effort of yourself to get as close to perfect as you can.


"It is easy in the world to live after the world's opinions; it is easy in solitude to live after your own; but the great man is he who in the midst of the crowd keeps with perfect sweetness the independence of solitude." -Ralph Waldo Emerson


Christopher's Perfect # 4

Waking up next to someone you've been looking for all your life and realizing you have finally found your perfect someone.

Perfect is a state of mind, in which one lives, and never rests.

I asked someone once if they believed in true love. If they believed in a one and only and their answer gave me plenty to think about. "I believe in time," she replied, "and that through time, you both become each others one and only."

Perfect.

What does yours look like?

Christopher Michael

all the single ladies.

"Love is a game in which one always cheats."
-Honore De Balzac

On this sphere of estrogen and testosterone that we call earth, there is a constant struggle. Not for land or glory, those battles come and go. Eloquently put, it is a battle of the sexes. The war that has raged since a boy named Adam, and a girl named Eve made a poor, but necessary decision, to have a little snack and the Forbidden Fruit Cafe.

This has led for a constant fight for the upper hand in society. Men are strong and hardworking. Women are mothers, one of the most sacred callings in the world. They are caring, and sensitive. Passionate, driven, and full of wisdom. To me personally, women are MUCH more good looking and sexy, but no matter how long your legs may be, or how beautifully your hair falls across your perfectly symmetrical cheek bones, men are sometimes hesitant.

Frightened almost to approach you, because of the very looks you wear. A good looking girl is hard for me to confront because, sadly i lack the courage, and the facial structure to do so. Women are to angels as men are to gargoyles. Having said this, i have detected a pattern, and from it a hypothesis on women, i hesitate to say it because of the uproar it may cause, but hopefully it will open a few pairs of eyes. Are you ready ladies?

You're all crazy.

There i said it. Now before you put the blame on men, or call me a self righteous pig, hear me out for a few minutes. I have evidence to back this "erroneous" claim.

This conclusion, is based on various claims and nothing but the most reliable of sources...which is in fact ironic, because all subjects have been women, and therefore are impaired of proper judgement, but if I'm wrong, please, by all means, stop me.Now i realize I'm picking on you ladies. You've done nothing wrong and don't deserve this one sided opinion. I'm only an outsider looking through the stained glass of your lives. I just can't help but notice a pattern, and this is what it boils down to.

You like to be treated poorly.

Why? What is it about jerks that is so attractive to women? Is it an obstacle you want to conquer? A trophy you want to claim? You have this instilled sense, that somehow you can break him of his ways and turn him into whatever your heart desires. That you, and only you can make this boy love you.

Like breaking a wild stallion.

I have seen countless examples of this. Now things don't start off this way mind you, it slowly but surely becomes apparent. In the beginning things are like a fairy tale. He is sweet, funny, and charming, but you're not fooled. He's a guy and they are all the same. They want a little action, and they are willing to go to great lengths to get it. They will say anything and do almost just as much to prove themselves. Whatever it takes. So naturally, you throw up your walls. "He will never get through these," you foolishly tell yourself.

Time sings it's tick tock song, and you have no walls left. He has torn them all down and moved into your newly vacated heart, in which you gladly accept. He has proved to you that he is different and that he cares for you and only you.

Then things start to change.

"If you marry a man who cheats on his wife, you'll be married to a man who cheats on his wife."
-Ann Landers

He lies to you. He cheats on you. He uses you.

The term love is blind?... never rung so true.

You know he is lying to you and seeing someone behind your back, and you know better, but you invite him right back for more. You love him, and he loves you. People make mistakes. I can forgive him. Your love is your undoing. The trap is set, and baited.

Your friends warn you, they try to make you see. They are desperate to rescue from a grim fate. You don't know what to do anymore.

Now some of you are smart, you tell him to get lost and never come back. He isn't worth your tears or hurt. It's not that easy. This boy you chose is very persuasive, and good with words. He convinces you that he is "not like that anymore," "he's changed," "he loves you."

"It's me or her," you say. "Of course it's you babe," he pleads. "She doesn't mean anything to me, i made a mistake and i've changed." Funny thing is. one isn't enough for him, he's already had this conversation with someone else, and he said the EXACT same things to HER as well.

It seems to me that you are holding onto hope. Hoping one day he will completely change his ways and come running back into your arms to stay. Is there anything wrong with this? ABSOLUTELY NOT. Trust and compassion are qualities not to be brushed aside. It's something that makes you women so beautiful and attractive.

And ironically enough, he insists nothing has changed, when in fact everything has. It's like you're dating someone completely different. His stories don't match up. You don't go out and have fun. You haven't laughed in weeks. He talks in circles and gets angry when he is backed into a corner or caught in a lie.

And then it happens. You find out that everything he said he would never do, he has been doing. Over and over again, and your fragile heart is broken all over again.

Now what?

You're left all alone to pick up the pieces.You kick yourself for being so foolish, how did i get into this situation? It will never happen to me again. You cry and remember all the good days. He is gone, but is it for good? Before you know it, he's back. This time with explanations and rationalisations, and then he does this...

He makes all this your fault.

What's worse than his absurd lies, is the fact that you start to believe them. He uses his words as weapons, and makes you feel worse than you do already. You made him cheat, because you did this, or didn't do this...he had no choice.

Some of you are stronger, and don't fall for this. You know he was wrong and you now have learned your lesson. The fact that your ok, annoys the livin' outta him. You should be consigned to lay in bed for the rest of your days crying, because your heart is so broken. But wait, he has moved on, why can't you? He never cared, why should you?

So you move forward...with new purpose. "I'll never fall into that trap again," you promise yourself. NO MORE RELATIONSHIPS. So you go out, meet new people, remember what's it's like to laugh again and have fun, and then you feel like you are ready to try again, smarter and stronger this time around. The exact moment he catches wind of you dating someone other than himself, you receive a text message, "that was fast," or "whose the new boy?" Something like that.

You can't move on, he won't let you. He wants you still stuck on him. Still holding out, waiting for that miracle change of heart. The fact that your with another, stirs up jealousy he didn't know he had. The fact that you are happy now bothers him. He isn't by any means, so why should you be?

You never know what you've got until it's gone...and he wants you back because misery loves company...

Does this ring true to any of you? It's merely an observation from a love famished young boy. I could be wrong...but i could be right. I have been cast aside because i am too perfect.

You heard me. Too perfect, and it makes perfect sense, because some of you don't want the trust, the affection, or to be spoiled beyond measure. You would rather be miserable. Drowning in regrets and memories. You all deserve to be treated like queens ladies. Valued and held in such high regard, men are willing to set aside their own needs and put yours before their own. Never settle. Hold those standards high and never lower them. It might take time to find a gentleman willing to build his own just as high to meet your own. Don't let boys walk all over you, meet them head on, and stand your ground, and as a good friend of mine, John Mayer, said "Say what you need to say."

Never settle.

Do i think you're all really crazy? No, i don't. Sometimes it may seem that way, but that's what love is, taking chances and learning from them. Being vulnerable and moving forward.

Love is organized chaos.

"To cheat oneself out of love is the most terrible deception; it is an eternal loss for which there is no reparation, either in time or in eternity."
-Soren Kierkegaard

i don't need to say anymore, did i leave anything out?

Sincerely yours ladies,

A nice guy finishing last,

Christopher Michael

rewinding forward.

"If you don't hurry up and let life know what you want, life will damned soon show you what you'll get."
-Robertson Davies

The thoughts of my mind have been simmering all week. I've been trying to pin down this feeling i have inside and make him explain himself. I'm afraid as to how my words will fall into your ears. This is simply my perspective on a particularly irritable subject. Tonight, my attempt to wrestle this vandal to the ground begins. Feel free to lend me a hand, and help me bring this criminal to justice, but for now, would you like to hear a story about a monkey?

In Africa, there is a unique monkey hunting style. Simple yes, but incredibly effective. In a trap, a hunter places some ripe fruit. The monkey irresistibly drawn to the ripened fruit, grabs the goods, tries to get away with his plundered booty, and in so doing, sets off the trap. Because of this traps unique design, only the monkey's arm and hand are in peril. He has only a small hole in which his arm is caught, but for some reason, he is completely helpless. His hand has gotten a little larger, and this monkey could easily free himself, if he would just let go of the fruit.

He will do no such thing. He is determined to free himself and enjoy his newly acquired entree. Time is not on his side, soon the hunter returns, and lops the poor monkey's arm off, because he will not let go of his fruit. The end.

A little odd start yes, but so eye opening to me. This monkey is ready to die, for the meager feast in his tiny hands. Focused on the present, and not what's to come.

All he needs to do is let go.

We all have been stuck in this trap. Holding onto the fruit of our past. Clinging, desperately trying to salvage broken words and remember sunny days. People. Memories. Feelings. What are you holding onto? For me, it's the people i cared about. The people i told my secrets. Secrets my soul vowed it would never whisper to anyone, ever. The feelings i felt while wrapped up in some one's thoughts. The good times, the bad times. The smell of their skin. The taste of their kiss.

Then, it all goes away. Your everything is replaced with nothing. All you have left are your memories, and another piece of your precious heart, is gone. Now it begins...

The sleepless nights laying in bed, wondering about everything that's happened. The un answered questions, the loneliness, the cold. The pain of tears, and the faded memories. How could they throw this all away? Did it ever mean anything? Did i waste all my time?

Can you relate?

"Take a second out to think about this: in your life, you search and search for the right person for you. Every time you break up with someone you get one step closer to that person. You should look at moving on, as one step closer to meeting the one."

-Ian Philpot

It is easy for me to question everything. To wonder why i wasted all my time and effort for someone who never cared, or treated me right. Everything i ever said, i resent and wish i could take back. All the late nights, all the silly fights, all the presents, favors, kisses, laughter... meaningless. I go from used and hurt, to angry and selfish, to shocked and confused. So what do I do? How can I possibly go on without you?

I, "get over you."

I move on. I take back things I said, in an attempt to get even. Nothing mattered, the promises, the talks, the feelings, nothing. Everything, and anything, I take back, to prove that I was never fooled. I never cared about you either, jokes on you sucker. I try and get back in the game immediately, to try and hide my true feelings. Except there is one tiny, inseey weensy, little, fine print detail.

I'm lying.

Beneath all the charades and fancy lights, I'm broken. I have fallen apart without you and are wishing with every ounce of strength, that things could go back to the way they were, and I will wake up from this bad dream. Or I wish that I could just "get over you," and move on.

This is what I'm trying to write about tonight. Moving on.

To me this is a very picked on phrase. It's a one way street, do not pass go, do not collect $200, case closed phrase. I've moved on, or, i think it's time we both moved on, to coin a few phrases. Moving on is important yes, "getting over" someone, is essential in getting yourself back on a healthy track, but how does someone move on? Herein, lies one of my greatest challenges.

My attachment level grows exponentially with time. I fall quick, and I fall hard. My love is a brush fire, it starts in a flash, burns hot, and just as quick as it's started, it's out in an instant. Even with this knowledge, i struggle with moving on.

To me, this phrase is not accurate. So I'd like to introduce a new one, Moving Forward.

I'm done "getting over" someone. Done trying to forget the words i said, or the places we've been, because i never want to get over them...any of them. I want to remember every breath i took with them. Every kiss, every giggle, every touch. Why would i want to get over that? Why forget something so wonderful and special, but who said anything about forget?

Moving forward, is not forgetting.

The past can be painful yes, and truth's dagger, is one of the sharpest in this life. It's wounds are slow to heal, and some of the deepest we receive. Some memories are too hard to walk away from, too painful to conquer. Our past is what holds us back. We are holding on so tightly to it, that we will never get out of our trap. All we need to do is let go of it, but NEVER FORGET it. Remember the lessons you've learned, and the things you wish you had done. LEARN. Sometimes this means letting go of those we loved, remembering them, but not letting them hold us back from MOVING FORWARD.

Why forget? These people came into your life for a reason. They are here to teach you, love you, shape you. Sadly sometimes, the feelings are only one way, thus making things so hard. You can hold onto someone as long as you'd like to, but just because you're holding onto someone, it doesn't mean they are holding onto you.

"If you can't fly, run. If you can't run, walk. If you can't walk, crawl, but by all means, keep moving."

-Dr. Martin Luther King, Jr.

I'm learning to walk forward, and remember my past without getting stuck in it. I'm learning to recognize the lessons I've been taught by those who are moving forward. I'm not holding onto anyone from my past, but I'm remembering them without losing myself over them.

I'm so over getting over someone.

liquid perspective.

Sometimes i look back at the things my mind writes. i look back and wonder why i was feeling this way on that certain day, and what good my words would do me.


how can typing little letters, and putting them together make beautiful, striking words? some of you weave patterns with words i have only dreamt of and envied.

this in no way, is a plea for sympathy, or an R.S.V.P. to my pity party, merely an explanation, a free tour of my mind's memories. this blog goes out to someone new, and unusual. tonight i do not write for me. i write because i never know who might need to hear a certain word, or feel a little lighter. it could be the clutter in my mind on paper. so pay attention and watch your step, you never know what words you may stumble over. I'm not giving advice, just an approach my heart makes.
"God places the heaviest burdens on those who can carry it's weight."

-Reggie White
this quote, was given to me by my beautiful, dear old friend, Miss M. It has stuck with me ever since.

i used to view life as a constant struggle. nothing ever good was placed before me, why am i so picked on? when do i get my break?

i coined these phrases because of one word. a word which rocks me to my very core, and with it comes one of my biggest and darkest fears.

Divorce.

my mother has been divorced, and my father has been divorced. Let's just say i've been through more than one.

One was enough for me i assure you. these experiences left a deep black smudge on my heart. My trust was gone, my hope had dissolved, and my dreams of one day finding someone for me and only me, were forever tainted. everything i had seen in movies, and read about in fairy tales, came splashing down right before my eyes.

the seed of doubt had been planted after divorce number 2. i was at an age where i knew somewhat the circumstances surrounding this awful word, but not quite old enough to grasp it's slippery meaning. Three was none better, and 4 seemed easy.

Now here i am. Twenty three years old, and number 5 happened only a few weeks ago.

Several nights ago, mom had fallen asleep on the couch, and Trace, my younger brother, needed to be put to bed. After several books, i picked up his fragile little body, and placed him in bed. He looked up at me and began to cry.

"What's wrong buddy?" I asked. With tears in his eyes, clutching his blanket tightly, he looked at me and sobbed, "I've lost my daddy."

i felt as though i had gone through a wormhole in some science fiction movie, and had somehow traveled through twenty years of my past, found myself, and was looking into my own eyes.

with those tiny words, my heart slid down into my slippers, and my breath was stolen away.

What could i possibly say? How could i make him understand? I wanted to so badly make him see that he had not lost his daddy, he just wasn't around tonight.

I had been there, twenty years ago, alone with no daddy. With tears in my eyes, i picked him up, and crawled into bed with him. A few minutes later, with his head on my chest, blanket in hand, we were both asleep.

this lesson will stay in my heart forever, one of the most profound and deeply moving realizations i have yet experienced, and out of the mouth of my three year old baby brother.

i now know that divorce can be a blessing in disguise, and it has taken years to learn it.
I was able to grow close to my wonderful grandparents, who took us in, and sheltered us when we had nowhere else to go.
It lead me to Utah, where i have met eight of the most amazing boys, in my opinion, on this earth.
It brought my younger brother Josh into my life, and what a blessing he is.
It gave me memories i wouldn't trade for anything on this earth.

The reasons may be few, but they are of eternal importance.

My mother and father were once having an argument, mom carelessly threw out, "why did we ever get married?" To which my father replied, "To have two beautiful, and amazing children."

Life is a matter of Perspective.

I no longer blame my parents for my miserable life. I attracted the misery i held in my heart. we only hold ourselves back from getting everything we've ever wanted. Blaming the world is easier and convenient. Why blame myself? My life's been hard enough as it is.
"The trick is in what one emphasizes. We either make ourselves miserable, or we make ourselves happy. The amount of work is the same."

-Carlos Castaneda
I've been so blessed in this life. i have so many wonderful memories and gifts that the lord has so graciously given me. I've been blessed with an amazing family, the best friends a guy could ask for, and talents others only wish they had. Through the hard times you lose sight of what you've been given, and what's important, this is what being human is all about.

It is so hard to find the silver lining in a rain cloud, when all you need is sunshine. This is one of life's great challenges. Finding the good in this world, when it sometimes seems there isn't much left. Good is all around us, we just need to dig deeper than ourselves and find it. Easier said than done, sometimes our history rears it's ugly head and complicates everything.

Each past and situation is unique. Nobody ever knows how you feel, they don't know what you're going through. They may think they do, but in reality they have no idea. They couldn't be more wrong. When the last thing you want is advice, the world bombards you with it. Sometimes all we need is a good pair of ears, a closed set of lips, and sympathetic eyes to make us feel better.
" There are as many nights as days, and the one is just as long as the other in the year's course. Even a happy life cannot be without a measure of sadness, and the word 'happy' would lose it's meaning if it were not balanced by sadness."

-Carl Jung
I chose to take something thought to many as, less than pleasant, and turned it into the backbone of my character. I feared i could not outrun my parents past, and so i resigned myself to a similar fate. Now i understand why it was placed in my life, and the countless lessons i have learned from them. I make my own choices, and live my own life. Through my wonderful parents i have learned what to do, and what not to do. I in no way think they failed. If anything they taught me some of my greatest lessons.

If you, like me, have had the opportunity to experience divorce in your life, i have no idea how you feel or what you're going through...but i can most certainly relate.

Good luck out there.

Christopher Michael