Cry like a man.

Today started out like any other.
I woke up, washed my hair, brushed my teeth, and drove to work.
Saw a beautiful girl, made some money and came home happy as a clam.

My chipper mood didn't last long.
Some of you know of the circumstances surrounding my living back at home, but few know of my roles here.
I have become a therapist,
a carpenter,
a mechanic,
a gardener,
a butler,
a chef,
a philanthropist,
a farmer,
and a vet.

 I am also 24 years old, with no kids, but still a father.

My father's home is in California.
He is a wonderful man and I only hope I can be a fraction of the man he is one day.

This home is fatherless.
My two brothers both have different fathers, and i can assure you that neither of them live here.
Today I had an overflowing plate full of responsibilities.
Gritting my teeth I got to work quick and determined, and not inclined as to showing much emotion.
I had finals to study for and the day was growing darker.
The tasks began to disappear and finally, I had a house full of peace, and a little bit of me time.
It was then that everything hit me.

I pictured life at 24 to be full of adventure and excitement. 

I should be out with the boys, having a brew at the sports bar. 

I should be carefree and tan lying in the sun with a woman on each arm. 

I should be planning a hiking trip to Peru, or a surfing trip to Brazil. 

I should be womanizing and living my life to the fullest extent. 

I did not picture myself here. 

Trying to support a family, and trying to keep it all together. 

Some of you are already here. Young husbands and fathers, and to you, I tip my cap. In my defense however, most of you made the choices that brought you to this point.

I was brought to mine out of responsibility. 

If this sounds like a pity party, i apologize, that is certainly not what i'm trying to get at all. 

I guess today was just too much for me to handle. 

I finally got tired of being strong.
I walked down into my room, pulled the blankets over my head, and began to weep.

I cried.
And i cried.
AND I CRIED.

I cried because of how confused i am with my life.
I cried because my beautiful mother has been forced into a position of sink or swim.
I cried because I am seeing everyone else around me moving forward with life, and i'm stuck behind the glass.
I cried because my foolish heart, and feeble stabs at love have all backfired in my face.
I cried because of uncertainty and not knowing what in my life would happen next.
I cried because of how scared I am to finally let someone in and get vulnerable again.
I cried because of how stupid i felt buried under the covers crying!

I cried, like a man.

After I composed myself, I got out of bed, and started cleaning. Cleaning always helps clear my mind, and a wonderful friend of mine kept me sane while I tried to pull myself back together, and bless her sweet heart, she did a tremendous job.

Thank you MH.

I'm no hero or anything like that. I am doing what anyone else would do. I've been blessed so much in my life I should never complain again. My family is the most important thing in the world to me, and i guess I've been asked to make a few additional sacrifices for them. I know that i am learning some valuable lessons for my time as a father, and maybe i'm so thick headed, that this is the only way to teach me how. I learned that you can't always do it by yourself, and there is always someone there to pick you up.

Next time you're overwhelmed, take a timeout and open the floodgates. Crying is a cleansing. It's a marvelous  indication of your human nature, and proof that you feel. It shows you that you love, and that you care. So go ahead and cry ladies and gentlemen, but if you wanna cry right, you cry like a man.

Feels like feelings.

Sadly,
my journal is getting all the attention lately. I'm starting to work on that today. forgive me?

So...it's been awhile kids, i'm sorry I've been away so long. School is seriously consuming all of my time, and with finals just around the corner, been super stressed and even more busy. Update on my life.

Still single.
Still kinda handsome.
Still trying to do everything i want without any time to do it.
...and still single.
isn't life a peach?

I did do something new. I went on a date.
yep you heard me.
a, DATE.
and maybe my past dating experience was full of bad decisions and poorly picked outfits.
but this was different, in an entirely new and intoxicating way.

had some food.
laughed a little.
had some movie time.
touched a little.
had a blast.
twitterpated a little.

like most stories, they get better and better.
i thought that night was great but the next one was even better.

glowsticks.
gerber daisies.
& longboards.
someone pinch me.

someone once said if something seems too good to be true, it usually is.
there is a knot in my stomach and a beach ball in my head.

my feeling of feelings are back.
this is both delicious and bitter.

on one hand the good times defiantly outweigh the bad.
on the other, i've said too many unfair goodbyes, put back too many pieces, and don't want to be another memory shoved in a filing cabinet.

but the candle has only begun to glow. and you need not worry about how long it will last to feel it's warmth.

so there is it. few care. few know. but it's something very important to me. and i hope this candle burns a LONG time.