jealousy cocktail.

Lets pack your troubles into my old suitcase.

latch the lid, and close it tight.

drop them at the station, and send them on their way.

come and climb a moment with me.

forget the world below.

tell me all the things you see.

pity the jealous.
they drown in their cocktail,
of selfishness and greed.

envy is their fuel.
drama, their flint and steel.
let them ignite themselves and burn.

take a step forward and break their icy grip.
dine on your delicious life.
give them a smile as you walk away.

let them reap what they sow.
wait for them to come crawling back.
watch them choke on their poisonous words.

leave them in their shells.
at the mercy of the wind.
abandoned to misery.

they have burned the bridges,
to climb a rung or two on the social ladder,
only to find themselves stranded.

gobble up the fools who walked out on you.
they are deaf and blind to love.
taking orders from nothing but their own corrupt conscience.

draw the blinds and blow out the candles.
feel me in the darkness.
don't say a word.

lean on me.
place your hand in mine.
let's go swim in the sunset.

you lift me out of myself,
when the world has me buried deep,
and forgetting all the good.

I lose myself in your smile lines.

stuck on the beauty inside of you,

not on the beauty you wear.

you chase the darkness from my eyes,
and share your light with me,
radiant, pleasant, and warm.

i adore the garden of your mind.
weeding out the ones who don't belong.
you inspire only the good to grow.

inside me, you've awoken a slumbering love.
one i never knew was there.
one that grows and learns.

i am addicted to your bones,
desperate for your words,
aching for the scent on your skin.

i wish i could invite you on a tour through my mind.
to see yourself in a new and different light.
to taste your kiss on my delicate lips.

our revenge is living well.
not sticks and stones.

we will fill the empty with love.
not with the arrows of hate.

we will walk side by side.
equal in each others eyes.

together we will write a new story,
and waltz on the pages of love.

you are.

I am-

a rocket ship of giggles.
a hopeless mess.
a sleep deprived dreamer.
a reckless thought on the wind.


I hope-

you know.
that i give enough.
that i can withstand the test of time.
that i'm worth the fight.

I wish-

for more wishes.
you could see yourself through my blue eyes.
that i could take what it is i feel and tie it up with lace.
that the world would give us some room to breath.

I see-

beautiful brown eyes holding my reflection tight.
the song inside your smile.
the dark of your hair.
something infinitely interesting.

I feel-

like a child.
like singing at the top of my lungs.
the distance when you're away.
the absence of your touch.

You are-

the smile dancing on my lips.
the thoughts sleeping in my mind.
the breath of fresh air.
my clever medicine.

You give-

my hungry heart its fuel.
my lonely hand to hold.
my troubled past it's bed.
my weary eyes the light.

You hold-

my undivided attention.
a stolen heart.
the fabric of the future.
all of everything I've ever wanted.


We taste-

the jealousy of the world.
the bitterness of hard times.
the satisfaction of knowing we are.
the sweetness of joy.

We go-

down the road less traveled.
hand in hand.
to the market for ice cream novelties.
forever and always.

We are-

effortlessly cool.
undiscovered joy.
free falling.
divine.

We need-

nobody else.
time and patience.
sugar and movies.
each other.

It's you-

I love.
I've been looking for.
who dug to the truest part of me.
and me forever.

the fabric of the future.

we all have a future inside of us.
some of ours are long and some short.
some bathed in success and starlight.
others in darkness and greed.

she is wrapped in the velvet of our choices.
slowly unraveling the fabric of life,
revealing the answers to our questions, and eventually her naked self.

she does a delicate dance.
one of yes and no.
love and hate.
truth and lies.

treat her with patience and care.

everyday she shows you something new and unusual.

everyday unwinding the fabric of our future.

pull too hard, or press her unfairly, and the linen will only constrict her.
making things more difficult to remove and discover.
hiding all the answers you need most.

she softly sings in our minds.
telling us to take our time in all that we do.
and to never waste a moment.

she floats on our hopes and sleeps in our dreams.
always constant.
always guiding.

she teaches us patience.
leads us to learn perspective.
and hastens us to live life fully.

wrapped in the linens of our mind she smiles.
eager to show us the way.
and ready to remove all doubt.

do everything with love.
cut the ropes of regret.
always remember how life has shaped you.

to creepy. love you.

Those of you who know me will understand this better than most.

Listen to the words.

xoxox

bittersweet goodbyes.

There are no goodbye's, only, I'll see you laters.
Love that.

~~~

It's been a long time since I've hated a goodbye.
Trust me, they haven't gotten any easier.

Saying goodbye to someone truly puts things in perspective.
You never know how deeply woven into your life someone is, until they are gone, if even for a little while...
This is both terrible and wonderful.

Being apart from that someone you miss is torture.
But, being missed by that person you never want to be without, is bliss.

They may not be by your side, but they are defiantly on your mind.

I lay in bed teetering on the edge of dreams, wishing so desperately that sleep will take me.
All I need is a little shove.

How am I supposed to sleep while my brown eyed girl is tip toeing through my thoughts?
She is the sunlight over my head, dancing on my skin.
The smile across my face.

Give me your hand and lets jump out the window.
A kiss to build a dream on.
We can carve our initials in the bark of the sky.
Swim with me in the joy of love.
Cradle me in the sweetness of your smile.

Some can call me cheesy or overly sweet.
But in all the clichés, you will find my unwavering genuineness.
I say what I mean, and I mean what I say.


Love found me.


With love, comes time.
With time, comes patience.


Timing is everything.


Time will do it's dance and softly sing it's tick tock song.
You've been worth the wait, and all the struggles that came with it.
I can only hope you feel the same.


Anticipatin'.
Star gazin'.
Twitterpatin'.

deliriously happy.

I am in love.

And guess what, i'm not even mad about it.

love it.

love us.

love her.

What is there to complain about or worry about when you know that someone loves you?

I can only think of one thing.

not being able to spend every waking moment with each other.

Love is obsession.

Love is passion.

Love is someone you never want to live without.

Sleepless nights. 

Journal full of scribbled nonsense and delicate daydreams.

A smile on my face that is impossible to erase.

Who knows where the winds of fate will carry us.

We took a leap of faith, together. Trusting and hoping.

And the payoff has been indescribable.

I am the luckiest boy alive to deserve this feeling.

To be trusted with her heart, and to call her mine.

Here is to hope ladies and gentleman.

Here is to taking chances and never looking back.

And here is to the girl who changed everything.

Your love will be safe with me. 

heartsick.

Ladies, and gentlemen.

I can pretty much sum up every single emotion in my heart and soul with one word.

Vulnerable.

Scared to death? Yes.
Praying for the best? Every night.
Is something different? Uh huh.

My history is screaming in my ears.

I'm not in control anymore, and risking it all for something better than I could ever imagine.

Here's to hope :)

Cry like a man.

Today started out like any other.
I woke up, washed my hair, brushed my teeth, and drove to work.
Saw a beautiful girl, made some money and came home happy as a clam.

My chipper mood didn't last long.
Some of you know of the circumstances surrounding my living back at home, but few know of my roles here.
I have become a therapist,
a carpenter,
a mechanic,
a gardener,
a butler,
a chef,
a philanthropist,
a farmer,
and a vet.

 I am also 24 years old, with no kids, but still a father.

My father's home is in California.
He is a wonderful man and I only hope I can be a fraction of the man he is one day.

This home is fatherless.
My two brothers both have different fathers, and i can assure you that neither of them live here.
Today I had an overflowing plate full of responsibilities.
Gritting my teeth I got to work quick and determined, and not inclined as to showing much emotion.
I had finals to study for and the day was growing darker.
The tasks began to disappear and finally, I had a house full of peace, and a little bit of me time.
It was then that everything hit me.

I pictured life at 24 to be full of adventure and excitement. 

I should be out with the boys, having a brew at the sports bar. 

I should be carefree and tan lying in the sun with a woman on each arm. 

I should be planning a hiking trip to Peru, or a surfing trip to Brazil. 

I should be womanizing and living my life to the fullest extent. 

I did not picture myself here. 

Trying to support a family, and trying to keep it all together. 

Some of you are already here. Young husbands and fathers, and to you, I tip my cap. In my defense however, most of you made the choices that brought you to this point.

I was brought to mine out of responsibility. 

If this sounds like a pity party, i apologize, that is certainly not what i'm trying to get at all. 

I guess today was just too much for me to handle. 

I finally got tired of being strong.
I walked down into my room, pulled the blankets over my head, and began to weep.

I cried.
And i cried.
AND I CRIED.

I cried because of how confused i am with my life.
I cried because my beautiful mother has been forced into a position of sink or swim.
I cried because I am seeing everyone else around me moving forward with life, and i'm stuck behind the glass.
I cried because my foolish heart, and feeble stabs at love have all backfired in my face.
I cried because of uncertainty and not knowing what in my life would happen next.
I cried because of how scared I am to finally let someone in and get vulnerable again.
I cried because of how stupid i felt buried under the covers crying!

I cried, like a man.

After I composed myself, I got out of bed, and started cleaning. Cleaning always helps clear my mind, and a wonderful friend of mine kept me sane while I tried to pull myself back together, and bless her sweet heart, she did a tremendous job.

Thank you MH.

I'm no hero or anything like that. I am doing what anyone else would do. I've been blessed so much in my life I should never complain again. My family is the most important thing in the world to me, and i guess I've been asked to make a few additional sacrifices for them. I know that i am learning some valuable lessons for my time as a father, and maybe i'm so thick headed, that this is the only way to teach me how. I learned that you can't always do it by yourself, and there is always someone there to pick you up.

Next time you're overwhelmed, take a timeout and open the floodgates. Crying is a cleansing. It's a marvelous  indication of your human nature, and proof that you feel. It shows you that you love, and that you care. So go ahead and cry ladies and gentlemen, but if you wanna cry right, you cry like a man.

Feels like feelings.

Sadly,
my journal is getting all the attention lately. I'm starting to work on that today. forgive me?

So...it's been awhile kids, i'm sorry I've been away so long. School is seriously consuming all of my time, and with finals just around the corner, been super stressed and even more busy. Update on my life.

Still single.
Still kinda handsome.
Still trying to do everything i want without any time to do it.
...and still single.
isn't life a peach?

I did do something new. I went on a date.
yep you heard me.
a, DATE.
and maybe my past dating experience was full of bad decisions and poorly picked outfits.
but this was different, in an entirely new and intoxicating way.

had some food.
laughed a little.
had some movie time.
touched a little.
had a blast.
twitterpated a little.

like most stories, they get better and better.
i thought that night was great but the next one was even better.

glowsticks.
gerber daisies.
& longboards.
someone pinch me.

someone once said if something seems too good to be true, it usually is.
there is a knot in my stomach and a beach ball in my head.

my feeling of feelings are back.
this is both delicious and bitter.

on one hand the good times defiantly outweigh the bad.
on the other, i've said too many unfair goodbyes, put back too many pieces, and don't want to be another memory shoved in a filing cabinet.

but the candle has only begun to glow. and you need not worry about how long it will last to feel it's warmth.

so there is it. few care. few know. but it's something very important to me. and i hope this candle burns a LONG time.

Where I've been.

Welcome back readers. Where have you been?

I apologize for my absence…let go of writing to focus on my photography, which should be starting to look pretty damn good with all that hard work and research I've been doing. Cross you fingers. thanks.

Now.

Here is where I have been.

Utah Valley University.

Home of the Wolverines.

I started school back in chilly January. Apart from a few, less than praiseworthy professors, I am loving the transition in my life. I now live in books and knowledge, instead of a dimly lit cafe, serving obesity and arrogance. I study every night, and thrive on the structure. Going from a work to play schedule everyday for 4 years, you think the transition would be hard, but my A- average would prove otherwise. As much as I hate to admit this, I'm growing up. I feel like I'm just starting to live my life. A life that is 3 years behind everyone else. Those in my senior class who are now married and tucking in their children in modest condos and townhouses. Those who have careers and handsome salaries, didn't wait around like me. I'm an old freshmen who is still afraid of the big kids, and falling asleep in astronomy. 

C'mon, i still have acne for cryin' out loud. 

Here is where I am. 

I'm becoming harder and harder to impress, and I hate that i have to say it. Blame it on my past failed flings in relationships. I pass a million faces in the hallways of school, and every other face seems to be a female one. Some are absolutely beautiful. 

Some are just easy to look at. 

Blonde ones, brown ones, red heads too. 

The faces are all I see. My headphones block out any incoming transmissions, other than thoughts. I have no desire to strike up a conversation with them, or even get a number. No interest in finding out the bands they love, or their favorite places to eat. No late night booty calls or one night stands. I just stopped faking like i was interested. 

I've become comfortable being by myself, and I can't decide if this is good, or bad.

Looking at it from my 97% emotional thinking side...this sucks. 

Nobody to spoil.

Nobody to take out.

No late night movies.

No deep conversations.

NO AFFECTION.(#1 reason)

No presents on Christmas!(....OK tied for #1 reason.)

As a logical one, it's the best thing ever.

I save my money.

I don't take chances.

Time is my own. 

I can focus on my school and photography.

Nobody gets hurt. 

No one to worry about. 

Now, if any of you are like, "Christopher, maybe your gay?"

Get that outta your mind, NOT the case at all.

I'll forever love girls and their particular anatomic structure. Man is a noble creature yes, but woman, is king. 

I just don't feel like chasing anymore. I'm tired of the games I always lose, and the rules I never understand. 

After all, that's all I've wanted and been surrounded with my whole life.

Keep looking for "the one." Never stop searching.

I figure if "the one" is out there, I'll meet her, if i look, or if i don't. 

Right? Or am I just a crazy 24 year old who has no idea how love works, and should start buying as many cats as i can and live alone for the rest of my life?

I've come to the conclusion that my scheme of meeting someone is far too grand for reality.

I ride a motorcycle and do what i want. Girls will come and go, but none will ever change me. Then along comes one who is different, and i give up my rebellious lifestyle and fall madly in love. We meet in the supermarket after her bad breakup and she forgets her wallet and tumbles into tears at the register(obviously today has just been too much). I offer to pay while her hands divert the tears and make my getaway. Days later we meet again when I run out of gas and she offers me a ride...the rest is history. 

Sounds more like a low budget chick flick, than a way to meet someone.

Another reason is some of the ones close to me in life have shown their true colors, and want me around when they need a shoulder to cry on, or a earlier planned outing falls through, the guy backs out. A fall back, meet Chris, the convenient friend, who is a gentleman and always pays.

It made me realize that my social pool is heavily fished, and all the good ones seem to have been caught. 

I guess what I'm getting at is that I'm perfectly OK being holed up at home with my nose in a book for now. Or working on my motorcycle, playing the guitar or cooking dinner. I don't need a someone, and i don't need to be somewhere. 

I'm content.

Sure a few more bucks in my pocket would seal the deal, but let's not talk crazy.

I still have my boys. Those guys are the closest things I have or may ever have to a girlfriend. And I wouldn't trade them for anything. They keep me socially acceptable and literate. 

There is a twist to this tale. After a few months of rigorous experimental projects and intense documentation, I have formed a thesis on disinterest in dating, conclusion...it drives girls crazy. 

They want to be your exception, and be the one who changed you of your stubborn anti relationship ways. Why this is, I'll never know, but it works. They can't stand you not being interested in them, and i highly recommend it to anyone struggling for attention. 

Not trying to brag mind you, just stating facts. So there it is, where I've been and what I'm thinking. If anything else worthy of note pops into this tangled noodle a mine, you'll be the first to know.

loveyouandstuff.