confessions part II.

I ALWAYS have wanted a tattoo.
a sleeve, to be exact. Nothing trashy or showy.
Just the raw drawings of my life and what matters to me most.

i stole a bottle of cologne from Hollister.

as guilty as i feel, it was terribly clever.

i am a sensitive man, but an insensitive boy.
to many, i am sorry.


i enjoy fly fishing.
it's an incredible escape, and a chance for an often needed one on one with myself.
my deepest thoughts, happen waist deep in water.

i am not afraid to die.

i am afraid of the pains of death.

people think i know what i'm doing with my life.
truth is, i'm taking it as it comes at me.
i have NO idea.


i feel like a lot of people take me for granted.
and i let them.

i've tasted the forbidden fruit, and it was delicious.

i felt bad because i didn't feel bad.

i go to the gym for myself.
i don't go for anyone else but me.


i can love.
but i still don't know exactly what it means.

i don't have a bed. my room is too small.

i sleep on some old camping pads.

i want to travel the world.
i want to live out of a suitcase.


M.L.C. is my inspiration. she has more unconquerable light inside than anyone i know.


i sometimes catch myself daydreaming of marriage.
painting the den.
cooking Sunday dinner.
staying up all night.


others peoples problems become my own.
i act like a giant sponge to emotions.


i can open people's minds like a tin of beans.
opening mine? not so easy.


i really suck at taking compliments.

REALLY.

REALLY.

BAD.

i play the guitar.
not well really, but i do play.
i've even written a handful of songs.


i wear reading glasses. astigmatisms can suck it.


i used to wear a t shirt swimming.
i was too embarrassed to reveal how skinny, and pasty i was.


i want to open a restaurant one day. my very own.


i doodle in church.
most speakers are boring.

i've always wanted to be a teacher.

i'd be the cool teacher that everyone wanted and loved.

i have a great singing voice.

i was Rooster, a lead part in Annie.

i get really jealous when my friends don't invite me to hang.
even if they are drinking or doing things i don't, just call.
it's the thought that counts.


i'm not below shopping at wal mart.
i actually think it's a wonderful place.
i have met some REAL interesting folks there.
it's saved my life several times.

being a good boy is extremely hard.

being bad is so much easier.

sometimes i forget to say please and thank you.
and i hate hate hate people who don't.
damn.

I want discs in my ears.

drama gives me ulcers.
ouch.
dealing with some right now.
shoot me.


i drive girls to marriage.
girls who break up with me because that, is the very thing they fear.
...babes.

until next time.
loveyouandstuff


-christopher michael

confessions.

i like interior design.
i find it terribly interesting and spontaneous.
porcelain bathtubs.
brick walls.
copper pipes.

music is my everything.
nothing, on earth can change my mood so quickly.
and there is nothing more attractive than a female who knows good music.
play it again SAM.

I'm extremely self conscious.

my looks are a huge concern for me. shocked? i grew up around friends, pockets full of cleverly folded notes, and covered in clingy girls. for years i thought there was something wrong with me(there are many things, i assure you.) so if you look into my eyes and i look away, it's not because i don't trust you.

i like to be alone.
I'm a thinker. some would accuse me of being an OVERthinker, and they would be right. i need a lot of me time. i believe myself to be extremely complex, so sometimes i need to figure myself out before i venture out into this crazy world.

I'm extremely shy.

i may not seem it, but i am. i put on this front of being comfortable and very outgoing when i meet new people, but in truth, I'm screaming on the inside, frantically searching for the exit sign. for you to truly peel off my skin and look inside, you must be patient and unprejudiced.

i hate mouth noises.
people who chew with their mouths open should, perish in flames. it makes my bones want to come out. people who smack their lips or can't breath through their noses...gross. make out noises are OK(as long as it's me and a babe.)

i sit down to pee sometimes. don't judge.
guys get tired to.

I'm an extremely good judge of character, well...initially.
it's when i get involved with said persons that my judgement becomes clouded. ironic how that works eh?

i cannot say no.

it's almost impossible. i am pretty good at dodging the requests. but the word "no" will never escape my lips.  it's even worse when just saying no, would save me weeks of trouble or heartache, and still, no refusal.

Especially to females.

Damn you testosterone.

I'm a sucker for blonde's.
I've dated red heads, brunettes, and black haired beauties, but it's still you blonde's who turn my head.

I'm a movie watcher.

i love catching all the little subtleties. the facial expressions, the body language. the details. when i find someone who appreciates it like i do, there's gonna be fireworks.

i worship food.
nuff said.

i had a short modeling career.
it ended the day it began.

i can't stand to see someone in pain.
i have to change the channel, look away, plug my ears, leave the room, whatever it takes. it makes me physically ill.

I'm an insomniac.

i lay awake in bed and stare at the ceiling. i wonder what tomorrow will bring. if things will be OK. so text me or something, save me from myself.

airplanes, give me chills.
ever since i was little, no matter what i would be doing, i would hear an airplane, stop and look up. when i go to airshows, the beauty and sleekness of a fighter plane puts tears in my eyes.
man WAS meant to fly.

i am still in love.

I've run away.

twice.

once when i was 14 or 15, i took a fishing pole and a loaf of bread and went up a canyon for a day or two. and again when i was 23, i needed to escape from the world, so i checked into a hotel for the night. No i didn't meet a mistress there.

I'm jealous.

of peoples writing.

their strength.

their looks.

Spiders scare the livin' outta me.

i don't drink.
even though i have been sorely tempted. on MULTIPLE occasions.

i still have lots of secrets.

i really wish people would give me feedback on what i write. not for self absorption reasons, merely for peace of mind, and improvements.

i am far, too trusting.

more confessions to come I'm sure.

tata

-christopher(still needs a night light) michael

My new friend.

Meet Quinn.

It was a regular Sunday.

White shirt.
Brown slacks.
Grandpa's old penny loafers.

Feeling somewhat unfulfilled and distant, i meandered back to the car. In no particular hurry, and in no particular angle.

The pitter patter of rain soothed my mood further, and i noted my visible breath, and upset it was happening in the middle of june.

A scurry out of the corner of my eye, caught me. Heading away from me and low to the ground.
Curious, i followed.

Meet Quinn.

A two week old quail(unconfirmed specimen, but cute.)
Quinn had decided to run away.

I stumbled upon this guy in the middle of a busy intersection. Sensing his distress, i rushed into the road, stopping a few cars in the process, and gently scooped his frail, frightened body into my hands. He shivered, and peeped furiously.

Phone in one hand, and Quinn in the other, i began to investigate.

Google.
Baby bird help.
Raising a baby bird.
Found baby bird.
All useless and all with a bleak outlook.
My new companion had stopped shivering, and began to lightly peck at my curled fingers.

I searched for a nearby nest. A nearby mother. Anything.

It was time for my ride to leave. I ravaged the trunk and found and empty peanut can, and a pair of CLEAN socks. I managed to make a makeshift sanctuary for my new found friend. Sadly, my path lead to a family gathering, putting my rescue plan on a new route.

Quinn was curious.

He kept getting his tiny head above the rim of the can, eager to see the world around him. I balanced the can on the window sill, and watched him take in all the sights as they went rushing by.

All the while, emitting small chirps.

We arrived, and i explained to my host the situation. He produced a medicine dropper and a smile. That was all i needed. i headed upstairs to the bathroom, hoping not to reveal my new secret to any of my much younger cousins. A few drops of water, and a nap are just what this bird needed.

Meet Quinn.

Hidden high in the shower window, bathing in sunlight lay my new friend. Everything i read about raising a young bird, resulted in death. I however, was optimistic. Quinn was the exception. Every hour he needed food, i could do that. He needed a clean environment, piece of cake. All my self convincing pointed to success. Small talk and frequent trips upstairs added up and finally, home was our destination.

Phone in hand.
More questions, more concern.
Fewer chirps.

We arrived home, and Quinn lay asleep in his can. I began to alter a shoe box for the little guy. He needed more room to roam and explore. Next was dinner. I went outside and dug up a worm. Only a fat and juicy one would do.  I diced it into small pieces and used tweezers to take hold of the slimy dinner. I tapped the side of his beak and offered a snack. He refused and shut his eyes. Stumped, i tried again.
Same response.
Fly? No.
Bread? No.
Sunflower seeds? No.
Now what?

I went into our study for more research. I scanned and googled and scanned and googled. Finally, a break through. I walked into the kitchen to check on the little guy and there he was.

Meet Quinn.

Lifeless, and still.

How?

I sunk into the chair, dumbfounded and heartbroken.

I failed him.

All this little guy had was me.

He relied on ME, for food, water, and shelter.

And me, an invinsible human, couldn't even supply that.

Confused as to why i was so upset, i rose to my feet and went outside.

I paced around the yard, blaming myself, and looking for solace.

The conclusion? As cheesy as it may sound, I decided to give my new friend the respect he deserved.

I found a good spot of ground, a popsicle stick, and laid his little body to rest.

Alive and well one minute, gone the next.

In many cases, people leave us before we have a chance to thank them.

Or the chance to say goodbye.

Everything they've taught us, and everything they meant to us.

Gone, in the blink of an eye.

Did they know how much you respected them?

Did they know how much they taught you?

Do they know how much you love them?

It's hard to tell someone how much you'll miss them, when they are already gone.

Life is too short to hold onto the mistakes of yesterdays. What good is a grudge, and who does it benefit?

I am now in the process of writing letters.

Letters to everyone that has mattered to me.

Letters to those who have taught me and changed me.

Why a letter? Words spoken are indeed powerful, but often forgotten. Written words, are eternal. Tangible evidence of love and gratitude.

Hateful words may be your last words to someone you care about more than anything.

We hurt the deepest, those we love the most.

Angry words may be the last thing someone remembers you by.

Let go of your grudges.

Tell people you love you love them, and take every chance to do so.

Because you never know which time will be the last time.

Meet Quinn.

My eye opening friend.

Thank you.

-christopher michael

life's dumbells.

I'm not really a fan of blogging. shocked? i find it somewhat depressing, that the only way to purge my system of all it's personal strife, is to scream into the void of cyberspace.
i would much rather talk with you face to face.

Life.

Is.

Hard.

but beautiful.

exciting.

intriguing.

one day, after an extremely difficult day at work, and a few costly events earlier in the week, i had to get away. i didn't want another human in my sight, for fear my scowl would vaporize the poor soul where it stood.

i grabbed a water bottle.

my fanny pack.

a headband.

and my ear buds.

so long world.

and so i started. i just started walking east. to the mountain. leaving civility behind along with my troubles.

and so, i walked.

the weeks events unfolding in my brain. the tension. the bitterness.

the angry music pulsated in my ears. every drum beat, every guitar strum, wound me tighter.

to my amazement, removing my headphones revealed a world of noise no i pod could duplicate. the birds seemed to be in a frenzy of song. the notes fell around me like rain.

the crunch of the earth beneath my shoes took me away from the soft carpets of home. the wind whistled through the countless trees, and dulled out my minds static.

and so, i listened.

the sun beat upon my bare skin, and i welcomed it. no breeze to cool me, and no shade to conceal me. the clouds fled the scene today. the sweat stung my eyes, and stained my hair.

the cool water to my lips, offered a moments escape.

and so, i felt.

the sun grew weary in the sky, and began to fall toward the horizon. so my course turned home.

the path wasn't physically straining.

the road was smooth.

there was no destination. only a journey.

it started as an cool down method, and slowly morphed into a self evaluation.

i needed to have a few words with me.

i learned a few ugly truths.

i am quick to anger.

quicker to judge.

and on the lookout for the negative.

my toolbox is out. and I'm going to try and fix me some more.

nobody wants a broken somebody.

so here i sit. tightening my screws and putting myself back together.

hopefully some will notice the new improvements.

is the someone you?