...where are you?

In my effort to maintain some form of masculinity(i have some, well, so I've been told), i posed a question to myself, sitting surrounded by many, but conveniently alone...

"Where are you?"

I struggled to maintain my composure, as an unnatural smile crept across my daydreaming face. Some faces smiled back, others, wore a look of concern, but i didn't care, I was painting a star filled someday.

Together.
Late night talks.
Popcorn fights.
Falling asleep together on the couch.
Taking walks.
Cooking breakfast.
Playing tricks.
Holding hands.

Is it possible to maintain a love? To be just as interested in a someone as you were when you first met? When infatuation and obsession phase comes to an end, what then?

Never fall out of love.

Keep.

On.

Falling.

I asked, and she said yes.

White dress.
Smiles.
Cumberbuns.
Chocolate fountian.
Europe.

One of my dreams, is buying a house as beat up as we are, and turning it into our home. Putting our years together and making something beautiful. Somewhere we can both escape and be alone.

Two tone paint and trim.
Brick walls and wood floors.
Track lights and picture frames.
Antique furniture and brushed nickel.
Matching flatware.
Fireplace.
Working in the yard.

On our day off, sometime we are content to do nothing. Let's just stay home and get some Chinese.

Looking at clouds.
Getting delivery, we went out last night.
Folding each others laundry.
Laughing our guts out.
Taking baths together.(Purely for water conservation of course.)
Secret handshakes.

Will it be perfect? No...but yes. Sometimes it's gonna rain, the key is, to both stay under the umbrella. Sometimes we will disagree, and sometimes we will be REALLY annoyed with each other. Therein lies the beauty. Learning about one another, and digging deeper than just us.

Flowers.
I'm sorry cards.
Chocolates.
Hugs and kisses.
Make up...se...well, you know.
Forgetting.

What adventures we will have. Exploring this big, beautiful world together. Taking our lives on the road, in the air, or under the sea.

Writing postcards.
Hotels.
Taking LOTS of pictures.
Road trips.
Tents.
Sandy beaches.

I want to fight over the silly little things. The everyday choices, and the meaningless nothings.(She will almost always get her way.)

Cool Ranch or Nacho Cheese?
The Notebook or Saving Private Ryan?
1% or 2%?
Sushi or Italian?
Tide or Era?
Cheesecake or ice cream?

Sometimes, we don't even need to say anything. All it will take is a look into their eyes, or a nod of your head.

Reading books.
Playing guitar.
Laying in the hammock.
Being barefoot.
Dreaming.

To have a beautiful, caring wife to help raise our children. Hopefully they inherit her looks, all they should inherit from me, is a last name.

Late night diaper runs.
First steps.
Monsters under the bed.
Soccer games.
Dance class.
Disneyland.

Having grandkids, and spoiling them rotten. Growing old, but together. Kissing her wrinkles as she straightens my glasses.

Dentures.
Cruises.
Bingo.
Prune Juice.
Diapers.(Again.)

When the time comes to say goodbye, how could i leave her side? How can she leave mine. We leave knowing that one day, we will be together again. When that day comes, it will be like nothing had ever changed.

Where are you girl? It's getting late and i want to go home.


Miss you,

xoxo

Christopher Michael

my perfect storm.

Christopher Michael,

Who is he? What do people see in their busy minds when those words are spoken?

Some see the comedian, always trying to make light of a situation. Trying to soften a difficult situation, searching for a silver lining. Loving laughter, and holding it close to his heart.

Others see the listener. A boy who instead of sometimes offering advice, would shut his mouth and listen. Giving his full and undivided attention is sometimes all a person needs.

The giver. A young man who is willing to give the shirt off his back to someone. To put himself at an inconvenience to satisfy another. Paying for the lady, holding to door open for her, being a gentleman. Some think his giving as manipulative, means to a motive. Those who think this, don't know him.

The up lifter. Building someone up to see their full uninhibited potential. For speaking his mind, and not just words that need to be heard. Always seeing the good in somebody and praising them for it.

...who do you see?

"What you leave behind is not what is engraved on stone monuments, but what is woven into the lives of others."

-Pericles

I have just had some of the hardest months of my life. Not because of financial stress, or family drama. Not because of the lack of female attention or the many lonely nights. I feel it's because I don't know who lives inside of me.

A restless soul.

My heart has been silent these last couple months. Not saying much and keeping mainly to himself, for fear of being silenced and hidden away. The brain however, has a lot to say and not enough time to say it. Keeping me up at night with his endless list of worries. Desperately trying to make sense of things. Maybe that's just it. Start feeling and stop reacting. Start learning and stop explaining.

My lips have been pressed together as well. I haven't had much to say, especially out loud, even to dear old friends.

I'm not depressed or angry, it's nothing like that. I'm distracted and unsure. Things that were a priority in my life have just taken a back seat to a new and completely different perspective. Why? Reason escapes me.

Everything I once thought I was, has been erased, like a math problem on a chalkboard. I am solving this equation without any prior training or practice. Starting from scratch.

Plug your ears, my insecurities are screaming.

People say they have changed, that they are a completely new person. I rarely find it tangible and real. They show off the new them for a week or two, determined to stay the course and live this new glorified life. Time sings it's tick tock song and old habits start to fall back into the cycle of everyday nothings.

This change in me, has been overlooked by a great many. It has been nothing more than a whisper. Those who don't know me well enough, assume little less than normal behavior. Those who are close to me have seen this shift, and it is no little thing.

The echos of this shift are endless. To the point of which, some have removed me from their sunny daydream called life, like a weed from a flower patch. They seem to have it all put together.

How dare they.

I was around during the darkest hours of your life. There for support and encouragement. Holding onto hope, doing my best to guide you through the storm. Believing in you. Giving all of myself. A small little rain cloud finds it's way into my conscience. Nothing worth worrying about at first, but gradually growing stronger and stronger with each passing day.

With the slightest hint of rain, you open your umbrella, turn up your nose, and stroll away. Leaving me soaking in my misery. How could you? After everything I've done for you. Your withdrawl only angers my sky, and i am all alone, fighting this seemingly unconquerable foe.

I face the elements with only my life's lessons and pertinent history as armor. The unrelenting wind knocks me down, and the cold rain steals the warmth from my bones. I'm in total darkness, relying on the fury of lighting to aid my failing sight.

With time, the beast is tamed, and only puddles and a happy sun remain. The birds begin to sing their love songs and the flowers show off their vibrant colors. The brave knight stands alone, broken, weak, and distant, looking for someone to guide him home. His eyes strain the distance, coming to grips with the fact that he is still, alone.

Lonlieness and heartbreak are often the results of holding someone to the very same standards they have held you to.

Shame on her.

Shame on her for taking the only thing I have to give, the last thing i have left. The one thing I hold more precious than any material I own, and using it for your selfish lust and gratification. Wringing the very life out of it, using every ounce, and tossing it aside, moving on to the next.

Wounds run deep and heal slowly. Revenge often clouds my mind, wondering if I could somehow make her see what she's done to me. History forbids me, and I hold my broken heart, and begin to stitch the memories back together.

I wish so badly that the influence of others was easy to ignore. Like it or not, we all try and make others happy. Doing whatever it takes to make them see that we genuinely care. Most, are blind. Ignorant to the very sweat on your brow, in effort to see them smile. When no smile creeps across their lips, do we halt our efforts of futility? No. We press on, determined that someday, our hard work will pay off...eventually, i hope it will, but hope is sometimes what becomes of wishful thinking.

I've discovered, that being selfish is sometimes necessary. Taking care of YOU should be the priority. Sadly we are surrounded by those that cannot find the "happy medium." They take it to a level of condemned selfishness and think of nothing but themselves. Property, status, and gain, are the rungs on their social ladder, and if stepping on you will put them in a better predicament, so be it. Stabbing you in the back, and spreading lies are no exception if their perception will change in the eyes of another.

Selfishness is ironic. In being selfish, you're merely looking for acceptance from other selfish people, who in turn, will take advantage of you as well.

I let these people step on me. They walk all over me, without a thank you or look back. Do i mind? No. They are in a better place, but what about me, where am I? Have I taken several steps back for this person? What good has it done me?

Do unto others...

My fuzzy mind is full of explanations. Reasons why I am feeling the way I am, or acting the way I do, and yet no logical reason escapes my sealed lips. If you know me personally, you may have seen the change, or you assume it's merely another rainy day in my daydreams.

Undoubtedly so, the answers to our in explainable questions are nearly always in front of us. The key to finding them? Opening our closed eyes.

Have you seen it?

Christopher Michael